Pangs of Love

T his is a fancy car," my mother says in Chinese as we stop-and-go up Third Avenue. "It must've cost you a bundle. Tell me, how mucha cents," she says conspiratorially. I look at her and say nothing.

"Isn't this nice of Bagel," my mother says a few minutes later. My youngest brother, the landowner in Bridgehampton, has always been called "Bagel" in the family. His real name is Billy, and God help him who drops "Bagel" in front of Bagel's friends. My mother's the lone exception. When she says Bagel, he knows his friends simply think that's her immigrant tongue mangling "Billy." "Out of you four brothers and sisters," she adds, "only Bagel asks me to visit."

"What are you saying? How can I invite you over when I live with you?"

That's right. You're a good son."

"I didn't say I was a good son, but didn't I bring you out to California?"

"Ah-mahn-da invited me."

"I told Amanda to invite you while she was talking to you on the phone."

"That's right, that's right. You're a good son," she says. "Good son who doesn't know how to talk to his own mother. His American girl speaks better Chinese."

"Forget it," I say, waving her off

"That's right. Always 'fo-gellit, fo-gellit.' Ah-mahn-da never uses such words. "

I swing across Twenty-third heading for Park. "Look at so many Puerto Ricans," she says. "Just like in California."

My brain stops, wrapped around a telephone pole that is my mother. I tell myself, Try. Explain the difference to your mother, who knows next to nothing: in Los Angeles what she thinks are Puerto Ricans are Mexicans and Chicanos. But I don't even know the words for Mexico, so how do I begin? In Chinese I'm as geography-poor as my mother, who knows only the streets and fields she's walked. Maybe I should use my hands. This is California, Amanda and I lived here, and over here -- by my right hand -- is another country Americans call Mexico. But that requires the patience of a special-ed teacher. In her mental maps, California is a few hours' drive from New York. That's what I'm up against.